Essential advice from Póilín on how to cover all your options with future in-laws and keep eastern E
Dear Póilín,
A few years back I made a few quid on a couple of sites I had around Wicklow, Kildare, north Co. Dublin and Meath. And there was a few scraps of scutch land between Ardee and Drogheda. And a bit of a field over near Navan. And there was a corner of a farm in Westmeath that got rezoned as industrial. But that was in the wife's name. I think that was it.
There was a bit of a problem on the tax and, to cut a long story short, I wrote a cheque to the Revenue there in September. But after all that, with the family nearly living on skins, the tax crowd say they're going to put my name in the papers.
That would be very unhelpful for me. The daughter is due to get married in the New Year. The father-in-law to be is a Senior Counsel. He was doing some of the persecution of a few of my friends in one of the tribunals. The family is full of South Dublin snoot and snobbery and I don't want to let the daughter down by having her old man's problems plastered all over the Indo and The Irish Times.
Is there anything I can do to get this kept out of the papers? Is there anyone I could have a quiet word with?
Yours truly,
Jimmy, Co Meath.
Dear Jimmy,
I do sympathise with you. Who wouldn't, with all those bits of farms to look after and so little for yourself at the end of it? And I'm pretty sure, being a country girl myself (well, originally!) that you denied yourself everything along the way for your daughter and your family.
I cannot see much hope for you in trying to get this hushed up. You might be able to find out what date the next Revenue notice is due. Then you might run around to all the shops close to where your prospective in-laws live and buy up all the papers that morning.
As for – well – "having a word" with Sir Anto or Brian Patterson at the Times, forget about it. Those days are well gone.
I'd say the best method of defence is attack. I bet if you start digging around among your prospective in-laws' professional friends, you'll find a few shady tales in the background. Arm yourself with as much information as you can. I doubt if your lovely daughter will have anything to be sensitive about – in comparative terms.
Next time you're in the Four Courts have a look at the gowns the barristers wear. You'll notice there's a big, wide pocket at the back – wide enough to drop anything into. That's how it worked for years, you know!
Good luck,
Póilín.
Dear Póilín,
We've had this perfectly wonderful girl called Marjka from a certain eastern European country as a sort of au pair-cum-home help-cum child minder for about two years now.
It's really rather difficult to categorise her, I suppose. She's not an au pair in the literal sense of being treated as one of the family. But we don't really pay her much, so she's not our employee – and there's none of that tedious PAYE or PRSI stuff.
She's a doctor in something from one of their universities out there. She lives with us. She has a room of her own – a rather nice one, if I may say so, with a view of the conservatory. And she does a job in a restaurant to make money to bring back to her own country.
But here's the problem – Christmas!
Naturally, we had hoped she would go home to her own people. But if she didn't go, we said, she would, of course, have Christmas Day with us. She seemed delighted but then told us that she wants to bring her Irish boyfriend, "Shaymo".
Now, I knew nothing about "Shaymo." On inquiry, it turns out he's from one of the "Ballys" – Fermot or Mun, I think. He's "on a scheme." And it seems that he needs to keep in touch every second day with some sort of a probation person.
Our difficulty is that we always have friends and neighbours in on Christmas Day. I can't really expect them to handle Shaymo, can I? Do I tell them to mind their handbags? And to make sure they've locked their cars? What am I to do?
Yours truly,
Lavinia, Killiney
Dear Lavinia,
These "visitors" from countries ending in "Stan" simply have no idea of the kind of people they are, literally, getting into bed with. And when the bed is in your house (even if it's in their own room with a view over the conservatory), you become disquieted.
Try turning the situation to advantage. The going rate for security and waitressing is €8 an hour. Marjka works in a restaurant. Ask her to serve the drinks and canapés when your friends arrive. Shaymo could do "security" on the cars outside. Your outlay might be €50 in total. It seems a bargain to me!
Yours truly,
Póilín
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