A modest proposal
If you're not familiar with the band Keane then, suffice to say, they are about as far from being the rock star equivalents of their highly-charged footballing namesake as it is possible to be. Gazing out from the cover of December's issue of Q Magazine, it seems, for all the world, as though the irredeemably dull trio have just been informed that their prize turnips have been commended at a local gardening contest.
Considering the accompanying headline "Keane: Band of the Year" (and also considering what a distressing state of affairs it is that Brian and Kerry McFadden are still – sob! – on the cover of almost every other magazine on the rack) then it is surely without regret that we must bid good riddance to 2004.
Doubly so when you consider what high hopes I have for 2005. Allen Ginsberg once said that "every generation-decade flowers in the middle." And, like a lot of theories, his is one that makes a lot more sense the less you think about it. So, without much further ado, here are some modest proposals which could, I think, make for one pretty damn Happy New Year in the world of pop:
1. Bono to be given a permanent seat on the U.N. Security Council. Because, well, why the hell not?
2. A moratorium on band reunions. In fact, what'd be even better would be if some groups who've stayed together down the years could split up too. Bon Jovi, The Charlatans, Coldplay, Counting Crows, Chemical Brothers, Def Leppard, Foo Fighters, Gomez, Manic Street Preachers, Massive Attack, Mercury Rev, Oasis, Pearl Jam, The Prodigy, Red Hot Chilli Peppers, REM, Supergrass and Travis would do for starters.
3. Also, it might be nice if we could finally get some closure on Ronan Keating's singing career. Perhaps – and this is only a suggestion – he could arrange some sort of murder/suicide pact with the remaining members of Westlife. I'm joking of course.
4. DIE RONAN, DIE! Still only joking!
5. English music journalists to admit they think hard drugs are glamorous. I'm not just talking about the NME (who voted notorious crack and heroin addict Pete Doherty the coolest person in the world). They, at least, are renowned idiots. What about the Guardian who initially all but ignored The Libertines and then suddenly, when Doherty's drug problems came to light, called them the most important British band of their generation? Some of these scribes, one suspects, wouldn't mind a bit if Doherty dropped dead in the morning – just as long as they could continue contributing 'The Real Pete: As I Remember Him'-type pieces to Mojo into their dotage.
6. The creation of a pop group composed entirely of specially trained monkeys is surely the next logical step for Reality TV. As a twist, one of the monkeys could turn out to have been acting all along.
7. No more 'The – bands: The two-random-words-stuck-together option pioneered by the likes of Coldplay and Razorlight is clearly the wave of the future. Ideally this model would be rolled out to all bands by 2006. If anyone's stuck for ideas I've got loads of 'em – Sourlamb, Turtlepudding, Cheesebike – Er, on second thoughts these may be snack ideas. Patents pending.
8. The Brian McFadden / Christian Brothers imbroglio: Any present or former members of the Christian Brothers who can prove that they physically abused "Brian" McFadden during his time in Westlife to be treated to an all expenses paid gala banquet in Farmleigh House. Sounds about fair to me.
9. Daniel O'Donnell to represent Ireland in the Eurovision singing a song about a horse while driving a milk float. Three classic Father Ted episodes rolled into one and – let's face it – it'd be unlikely to fare any worse than Chris Doran.
10. Finally – and I say this every year – for The Frames' legion of fans to see the error of their ways and repent. Let us pray.