Essential advice from Póilín on Papists, Royalists and parties

Until the late 19th century, any Joe Soap could be made a cardinal or pope. Leo XIII got a bit more stringent, and said that Joe Soap would at least have to be ordained Fr Joe Soap once he had been so appointed. Then John XXIII said that he'd have to be made a bishop as well – but this after he had been nominated as cardinal or pope.

But the fact remains that to be chosen as the next pope, you don't even have to be a priest.

Following in the great tradition of popular Irish activism that saw the Wolfe Tones' A Nation Once Again acclaimed as the world's favourite song by the BBC World Service, and Bray's Johnnie O'Brien almost named Time Magazine's Man of the Century, I suggest we should start a campaign to elect Packie Bonner as pope.

Dear Brendán,

An excellent idea. Both were goalies, both were unwelcome in Ibrox Park and both made dramatic interventions to topple Eastern European regimes – the Pope in Warsaw in 1987 and Packie in the World Cup quarter-final penalty shoot out against Romania in 1990. "The Pope saves" could be our campaign slogan. A Packie for Pope campaign – now that would be worth a day off.

Yours, Póilín

I wanted to have a street party for this royal wedding, but John said that would be unfair on the memory of Diana, and also that some of the (uninvited) neighbours might think we're mourning the Pope, and feel they can drop by and join in. Also, John's youngest brother (the black sheep of the family) married a Catholic, and of course we'll have to invite them, and don't want to offend them by not marking the Pope. So how do we celebrate the wedding and also the Pope's passing? Is there a precedent in protocol for such an occasion?

Dear Germaine,

Indeed, you are in a bit of a spot. I myself will be at the wedding, of course, so I won't be faced with the awkward choice of which occasion to mark publicly. However, I may be able to help you out. Go ahead and organise your social gathering, but send out invitations using this photo from the archive, of Charles and Diana with the Pope. You could inscribe it something like this:

"In fond memory of John Paul II, and wishing Prince Charles good luck on his marriage to Camilla Parker Bowles, without forgetting our fond memories of his late wife, Diana Princess of Wales." That should push all the right buttons.

The best of luck old dear,

Póilín

PS: As Póilín goes to press (earlier than the rest of Village), it has just been announced that Charles and Camilla have decided to postpone their wedding. Póilín notes she didn't hear anybody calling on the Vatican to postpone the Pope's funeral. After all, the wedding was scheduled first. But fair play to C & C; the High Anglicans amongst us will now be able to mark both occasions in comfort.