Dundrum is heaven

The Eiffel Tower, The Taj Mahal, The Great Wall of China, Dundrum Town Centre. Ireland has finally produced a monument worthy of representing herself on the world stage.

NEWSFLASH! "A big new shop has just opened." Yes, Ireland has got a gigantic shop. A spokesperson for Dundrum says: "Ireland has waited a long time for this but it has finally arrived: more shops." And the main news again: "Big rooms where you can buy stuff – more of them have opened!"

Dundrum Town Centre is a big Dundrum Shopping Centre.

I grew up in the 1980s in Ireland when the very idea of Dundrum Shopping Centre was nothing more than something that happened somewhere else – like heaven. The biggest shopping centre back then was GloomHole Shopping Centre which consisted of two shops: one sold nails and the other sold pictures of hammers. That sums up the 1980s in Ireland.

NEWSFLASH! Checkout staff in the ALL NEW Dundrum Shopping Centre say they have never checked out with such intensity in the whole history of Irish checking out. They say they are "tired but excited to be part of history in the making." There are also reports that the banana symbol on the fruit and veg weighing scales has faded already – after only a week and a half! A spokesperson for banana sales in the NEW Dundrum Shopping Centre says: "Usually it takes up to a year's finger-pressing to reach this degree of fadeage but we're there already! Go Dundrum."

Apparently Dundrum is both the result of confidence and also the source of confidence. Give us our confidence. Next time I'm doing a thing that makes me scared and I'm a little shaky I'll just think: "Dundrum Shopping Centre! If Dundrum Shopping Centre can be built I can do this thing – I can overcome my fear; in fact if an impossible dream miracle like Dundrum Shopping Centre can come into existence then I can do or be anything I want. Yes! I can be the new Dundrum Shopping Centre – in man-form." That'll be my new prayer.

NEWSFLASH: A new type of sausage has just gone on sale in the Dundrum Shopping Centre. This sausage has previously only being available in 57 outlets in the UK but now it is available exclusively in the Dundrum Shopping Centre. And finally the headlines: "Dundrum. Shopping."

Confidence – that's what all successful economies thrive on – confidence. And what is this confidence? Apparently it's based on certain economic facts and figures. It exhibits itself as a 'feel good' factor: people have to 'feel good' about the economy and they have to 'feel good' about themselves. The economic facts and figures have to be translated into, and communicated, as a mood – a digestible, consumable form ingested by the population so the people are embraced by a warm fuzzy cocoon-aura – the way Ready Brek used to make us feel before they took out the ingredient that makes your body glow in the gloom.

This 'feel good' factor is a feeling based on a belief that things are good. So our economy is based ultimately on macro and micro belief: a belief in the ecomony and a self belief. It's our new religion: the economy's good therefore I'm good. Goodness without a God. Confidence – that self-fulfilling prophesy.

NEWSFLASH! The government today announced that in recognition of the sheer fabulousness of Dundrum Shopping Centre that The Day It Was Opened will henceforth be a national holiday called St Dundrum Shopping Day and that Dundrum will be given the Freedom of Dublin.

All the leading shops are coming to Dundrum bringing an upmarket shopping experience. There is even talk that they will attract a branch of the upmarket Church chain – "Cathedrals." A spokesperson for selling says: "Cathedrals offer a superior quality service with only the best ingredients used. Why not try our à la Carte menu? Body of Christ (Onion and Bacon bread or Carrot and Chintz ciabatta) and Blood of Christ (A delicious CabMerlot of medium body with a hint of eternal life)."

When I die I know where I hope to go shopping: Dundrum Town Centre. I wouldn't be seen dead anywhere else.