Wigmore - President Hillery in Russia, the Workers Party, Austin Deasy, Fine Gael's lies

THE PRESIDENT came back from Moscow on Wednesday February 15. He flew from Moscow to Amsterdam by KLM jet. That's 568 roubles, and that's £630 on the offiicial exchange rate. He flew from Amsterdam to Dublin by Aer Lingus, Boeing 737, St Eunan. That's £164. Total £794.

He had Peter Barry with him. And Paddy McKernan of Foreign Affairs. And Michael Fitzgerald, Chief of Protocol. And his secretary and his Aide de Camp someone had to carry the bags (four suitcases, five bags and a portable wardrobe).

Six people by £794 equals £4,764. That's just to bring them back. We could find out exactly what it cost to get them there, but life is too short. Suppose it's about the same and suppose they had a bite to eat on the plane. Call it ten grand and keep the change. Not counting B and B.

They were in Moscow for the planting of Yuri Andropov. There were about 200 people employed to meet them on ' their return. The army band played the Presiidential Salute, an appalling parody of the National Anthem, and 94 soldiers stood to attention while Paddy Hillery walked up and down in front of them.

The Taoiseach waited at the plane to shake the President's hand. Garret smiled at Paddy and asked, "Was it very cold?" Unforrtunately, the President's reply was lost in the roar of the jets.

Mini-minister Jim O'Keefe was there. And the Chief of Staff of the Army, and the Chief of Staff designate of the army. And a sprawl of Aer Lingus and Aer Rianta executives, who held their hands behind their backs or clasped across their doubleted tummies, according to rank.

Paddy came back on Wednessday. He had been away since Monday. They had staged the whole thing, Taoiseach and all, band and all, when he went off.

These very highly-paid and powerful people had nothing better to do than stand on the tarmac at Dublin airport and disscuss the weather in Moscow. Twice in one week. Usually reeliable sources alleged to Wigmore that all of these people are adults.

On his arrival at Dublin airrport, inquiries were made, via the very helpful airport PR people, as to whether the President would be holding a press conference. Word came back that the Presiident declined. "It's not his form." Peter Barry, however, agreed to say a few words.

Meanwhile, it was 1.27pm and the man from R TE rushed to a phone to catch the 1.30 News and inform the nation that the President had arrived home safely from his odyssey;

Pause. Address room. "What's his first name?"

"Paddy, isn't it?"

"No, the other one Andropov, "

"Yuri. "

"Ah". "Into phone " ... from the funeral of Yuri Andropov. "

When Peter Barry arrived he posed in front of a colour photo of President Hillery. Apart from the photographers, there was no one there but Wigmore and the man from RTE. Peter said, yes, he had indeed met the new Soviet leader, Mr Chemenko. And what, asked the man from RTE, was your impression of the new Soviet leader? Despite the impression given in the media, said Mr Barry, the new Soviet leader didn't really seem to be in frail health.

He looked, well, "sort of Irish in :;:;;appearance': Ruddy complexion, 6 he said. Chemenko the Redneck. ~

Wigmore asked if Ireland's expulsion of Soviet diplomats had come up in conversation. No.

Had Mr Barry any comment to make as to how the US State Department could recently announce the reasons why the exxpulsions had occurred, while the Irish government cloaked this issue in secrecy? How did the Yanks know? No comment beeyond what was already said. Which was nothing.

Outside, an escort of about forty army motorcyclists was showing Paddy Hillery the way home to the Park.

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AUSTIN DEASY's crotch was drying up. He stood at the top of the room, buttoned his jacket, tucked in his tie. Someone handed him a glass of milk and he stood there trying to look significant while camera shutters whirred.

The Visitors' Bar in the Dail was packed with journaalists, milk people, TDs and other extras. You had to be very thin or have strong elbows to move very far. The National Dairy Council was launching a campaign to sell milk in pubs.

The Ceann Comhairle, Tom Fitzpatrick, opened the proceeedings and said some things that sounded important at the time but when you checked your notes later on there was nothing there but words. There were a couple more speeches like that. Garret FitzGerald had a dull script which he didn't use. He made a few gently humorous remarks, desscribed himself as an invetera te milk drinker and told the assembbled company of his frustration at being unable sometimes to get a pint of milk in a pub. Milk, he said, is a very refreshing drink.

You wondered for a while if Garret was about to announce a Milk Crusade to make the Repubblie a more attractive place for Unionists. But the speeches didn't matter .. The important thing was getting pictures in the papers. It was a marketing exercise. Ireland swallows more milk than anyywhere else in the world. But there's still too much of it. Mentioning the problem of the Superlevy, FitzGerald cracked that "anything seems worthwhile".

So he posed with a little glass with some milk concoction in it and coloured sugar around the rim and a little paper umbrella sticking out of it. He looked silly sipping through the straws and he probably knew he lookked silly, but that's the kind of thing Taoiseachs do when the place is flooded with milk and the Europeans are screaming blue murder, but you can't tell the farmers to ease off or they'll trim your marginals.

And Garret went behind the bar and pulled a pint of milk. And then a glass, for the photoographers who hadn't been quick enough. Then the Minister for Milk, Austin Deasy, went behind the bar and pulled the handle. And the thing went spluuuuutttl! and spurted all over Austin's crotch. Everybody laughed. Ha-ha, said Austin. It was after that that a woman in a red blouse got Austin to stand at the top of the room with some people, holding a glass of milk. When the pictures had been taken he put down the

milk, unsipped, and started to leave. He stopped to talk to someeone. The woman in the red blouse came down and took his elbow and brought him back to pose with the milk and some other people. When that was over Austin headed for the door with a very determined and very Minissterial walk. He almost made it. Three yards from the door the woman in the red blouse caught up with him and brought him back to pose yet again. By now you could hardly see the stains on his crotch.

They've gottanawful lotta cofffee in Brazil.

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WP Depressed

AS IF allegations of forgery and construction site fiddles weren't enough, the Workers' Party has of late been tossing and turning of a night, worried about its lack of electoral support in the North. According to an internal party document, "It would be pointless to deny that the recent election results are depressing."

Having gone through "a proocess of important reassessment of policies" which was "easily porrtrayed by our enemies as moves towards a 'reformist' and 'unionnist' position on the North" which was "bound to lose us Catholic support", the party sees light at the end of the rifle barrel.

Protestant support would be forthcoming, thinks the WP, were it not for the DUP. "The DUP is therefore the main obstacle to our progress in Protestant areas given that it presents itself as a radical alternative to Official Unionism while at the same time constantly opposing socialist ideas and linking them with commuunism and republicanism".

Looks like we're now in for a treat as we watch the WP try to retain credibility in both Moscow and Belfast while trying to disstance itself from communism and republicanism.

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Table For One

VISITORS to the Four Courts puzzled by the exotic and tantaalising smells wafting through the corridors at lunchtime can un- 12 wrinkle their brows. Apparently 0 Mr Justice Niall McCarthy of the ~ Supreme Court has engaged as his e!. Tipstaff a former chef in one of .~ Dublin's leading hotels. Not for ~ his Lordship the pedestrian fare ~ of the Four Courts restaurant ~ when his elegant Tipstaff can C. rustle up some goodies in chammbers.

No wonder Justice McCarthy seems in more expansive mood when sittings stretch into the afternoon.

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Lies

WHY does Fine Gael find it necesssary to lie to its members? The latest issue of its party paper, New Democrat, announces that there as been a "transformation" of the economy. "It's Up, Up and Away for 1984", the paper says. Gasping with delight, the paper describes "a year of outstanding achievement" by the government. "The government has turned the economy around."

This, in the face of structural unemployment and unceasing poverty for hundreds of thouusands, with no party presenting any realistic policies on jobs, is just plain lying.

The headline is "Take Off".

We could think of an alternative.

• At least Fine Gael gets the paper out. In 1980, this reporter paid for a subscription to the Fianna Fail paper to ensure it wouldn't be missed: Since then, Charlie Haughey's organ has come only twice.