Wanted: Supernanny for Leinster House

The bunch of tantrum-throwing, ill-behaved, incorrigible, squabbling, bad-mouthed, dysfunctional brats we elected to government are an international embarrassment and a national disgrace. It is obvious that our ability to call them to account is wholly inadequate.

And their behaviour is spiralling out of control. It's only a matter of time before Michael McDowell responds to some grown-up telling him he's wrong by throwing himself face down on the Dáil floor in an uncontrollable rage.

It's obvious that lads like Jim, Conor, Michael, Micheál, Seamus, Martin, Mary and ringleader Bertie are desperately seeking our attention – hence the fits of pique, the challenging behaviour, the bad language, the deliberate playing out, the offensive insults, the mugging of the elderly and the interminable lying. This is a job for Supernanny.

As fans of Nanny Jo Frost, aka Supernanny (of the Channel 4 programme of the same name), will tell you, brats who behave this badly need a firm hand, discipline and constant reminding that if they do not do what they are told there will be consequences. Adults must hold the line on these principles. There must be no rewards for brattish, lazy, dishonest behaviour.

If we apply Supernanny's methodology to our own mob of malfeasants we will be on our way to creating a more harmonious and effective government. First, we must establish a cool-down area. This is to be used immediately the bad behaviour kicks off. Instead of bemoaning the situation, pleading for them to behave themselves or entering into arguments which they will always reroute, we must act decisively by removing them to the cool-down area until they apologise. Mountjoy prison is ideally placed to serve this function.

Once we have clearly established that there will be immediate consequences for their bad behaviour, we can move to the next phase of treatment. This involves giving each brat something to aim for, a tangible means of measuring good behaviour that leads to a deserved reward. This system is already in place – it is called the General Election. But we must stick rigidly to the contract. No giving in and voting for them if they have failed to live up to their side of the deal.

Each upstart must be assigned a specific set of tasks. It must be made extremely clear in language that these outsized tikes understand and that failure to comply will result in the forfeiture of all privileges and pocket money. We, the grown-ups, will in turn guarantee to provide proportional affirmation and encouragement when genuine efforts are made to: clean up their mess; abide by the rules of civilised society; treat the populace with respect; and refrain from using inflammatory, abusive and racist language.

However, Nanny Jo would also point out that the antics of the Leinster House louts continue because of our laissez faire attitude as an electorate. It's not that we are inadequate or unable to cope. We, too, are exhibiting behaviour learned through decades of neglect, betrayal, making do and putting up with. Consequently, we have allowed the brats to get out of control and to believe that they are in charge. By allowing double-standards to go unchecked amongst our government ministers we have helped preserve a culture of democratic unaccountability and contempt for the basic rules of good governance.

Five-yearly check-ups by way of general elections only serve to give too long a leash to the pups. Additional checks and balances are needed: Dáil committees to monitor the performance of individual departments; independent procedures to investigate abuses of power; and a grievance procedure operated by a standards-in-government body.

But Supernanny warns: don't have unreasonable expectations of undeveloped minds. Just look at those departments headed by ministers who are obviously in over their heads: according to Nanny Jo, this is simply setting the "kids" up for a fall. Though that, of course, might be part of Bertie's plan in the first place...