As Time Goes By - November 1984

  • 31 October 1984
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The following are some of the Major points from the "National Plan" drawn up and published last month by the executive of the Spontaneous Aggravation Party (SAP). The plan was unveiled in the midst of great pomp and ceremony in the lounge of The Oasis before an invited audience.
1. The salaries of all TDs will be cut to £7,800 a year. This is £150 a week and more than enough for a part-time job. Any TD complaining about this will be sent to Shercock garda station to be interviewed.

2. There are too many TDs. If Britain had pro rata as many MPs as we have TDs they would have more than 2,500 MPs. The situation is ridiculous. The constitution says we must have one TD for every 20,000-30,000 people. We have one for every 21,000. Withhout changing the constitution we could change the ratio to one TD for every 30,000 people. This would leave us with 116 TDs. That's still too many, but it's a start. We get rid of fifty wasters. It won't add to the dole queues because they'll all have second jobs anyway.

3. Ministers will earn the same wages as a TD. Their wages will be linked to the average industrial wage.

4. The above measures will save £2,350,000 a year (no kidding, look it up). At present our politicians cost us £3~ million a year in wages. Our new system will cost about £900,000 in wages. That still looks to us like a high rate for the job, but it's a start. Any TD complaining about this will be transferred from Shercock to Tralee garda station.

5. State cars will be abolished. No politician will get tuppence in travel allowance. They can make their way to work the same as the rest of us. This will save £1 1/2 million, minimum.

6. The over-subsidised students in Trinity College will be dumped out of their rooms and these rooms will be given over to travellers. Travellers who wish to travel around the country will have similar facilities provided at the other colleges. This is a tempoorary measure pending developments from Point 7.

7. The tigins and caravans no longer used by the travellers will be available as accommodation for TDs who travel up from the country. This will abolish TDs' overnight allowances, thus saving money. It will also do wonders to conncentrate the minds of the politicians on the traveller problem.

8. Any TD complaining about any of the above will be transferred from Tralee to Crumlin garda station.

9. Any economist or journalist who writes about the economy or goes on TV or radio to tell us what should be done must first disclose all of his or her personal finances.

10. Any economist or journalist who since January 1980 has given advice on how the economy should be run and whose advice has been followed will be immediately put on the dole for a period not less than three and not more than five years.

11. Dail and ministerial pensions are hereby cancelled. Politicians can start up their own contributory pension scheme if they like, otherwise they wait until they are 60 and get the ole age pension like everyone else.

12. The old age pension wil: be paid at 60.

13. Any politician below the age of 60 who has been receiving a pension is required to pay it back, with interest. Any politician refusing to pay back this stolen money will have his or her house and other assets seized.

14. Any politician still 'complaining about this will be transferred from Crumlin to the Bridewell garda station. 15. A Task Force will be appointed to examine all the election promises made by politicians since 1977. Any politician who made a promise which has not been kept will be charged with fraud.

16. Any politician voting for the Criminal Justice Bill will be immediateely taken to the Bridewell garda station and will be "interviewed" until he or she signs a confession to having used a stolen Post Office book to steal £30 in order to buy a knife to stab a baby on the way back from having partiicipated in the Sallins train robbery.

17. Anybody, anywhere, at any time, caught complaining about a single word of the above will be taken from the Bridewell and extradited into the custody of the RUC. •