As Time Goes By - Feb 22 1982

It's the old people you'd feel sorry for. There they were thinking that Willie Bermingham had got himself a whole new crew of volunteers. Twice in seven months - old people who haven't had a knock on the door since 1977 and last year they were up and down to the door like yo-yes, people standing there with big smiles and askk-ing is there anything you'd like, missus. And only seven months later the smilers are back and begod missus, aren't you looking well and would you like a lift and is there anything we can do for you, and would you like to shake hands with the Minister for Poverty, yes, that's her getting out of the Mere.

Elections should be held every seven months. Put Willie and his mates out of business.

Poor Jim Kemmy. Ironic that the leading two-nationist should push the button that set the machine whirring that got the politicos popping up on party political broadcasts that got the Provos ban that got the Judge thinking - that got Section 3 I declared unconnstitutional. Good man, Jim, you'll go down in history.

All the figures aren't in as I write but it appears that there's a three or four per cent swing to the Spontaneous Aggravation Party. After our brilliant performance last year, when we won 24.7% of the electorate to the point of view that the whole thing should be ignored or that votes should be spoiled as a gesture of defiance against the liars and hustlers, we have made furrther gains this time around. This time the poll is down further. Having connsulted the free Swingometer presented with that invaluable work of reference, The Magill Book of Irish Politics, I see that a 3% swing is enough to give us an extra fifteen seats. Naturally, because of the undemocratic way in which the whole thing is conducted, the fact that almost a third of the electorate indicaated that they want that proportion of the Dail left empty will not prevent the hustlers from dividing among themselves the seats that are righttfully ours.

To more important things. A few years ago I made a valiant effort to become interested in rugby, going so far as to read the sports pages of this very publication. "With knotted brow, I tried to decipher such as the following: "It is the tight head prop's responsibility to resist his opposing loose head prop in the latter's attempt to disrupt the serum on his (the tight head's) side's put in."

It was some time before I underrstood that a loose head prop is not a rubber neck. It did indeed seem apppropriate to describe as "tight heads" those who supported apartheid by playing with South Africa's oval balls instead of giving them the good kickking they deserve. Heads tight to the point of solidity. This, however, was not the intended interpretation.

I persisted in trying to understand the mania for this game until I came across a eulogy to someone or other in which the lad in question was descriibed as being excellent at "running backwards on one leg." I invited the author of this piece to give me a demonstration of how this feat might be achieved. His chin is still in plaster.

In the past week I have had to use violence on several occasions to drive away people in bars who ask such as, "Do you think we'll win on Satada, huh?" When asked such questions it is best to ask in return who we are playying. This drives them mad. When they tell you, the next move is to say someething like, "Ah  the game hasn't been the same since Johnny Giles retired." One should, of course, have previously ensured that Con has left an empty Smith wicks bottle within reach of your hand.

Those of us who believe that kickking a ball around is something that should be kept in perspective are in for it over the next few months. The soccer gobdaws are already warmming up for the splurge in Spain. Perrsonally, I'm sick as a parrot already. Speed the day when the ball is picked out of the back of the net for the last time. I'll be over the moon.

The fact that television will be swamped by the thing is bad enough worse still, there are people called commentators whose command of lannguage is slightly less than their commmand of sanity.

Dalglish happens to be tying his bootlace at the edge of the enemy penalty box - he looks up, sees the ball bouncing towards him, he begins to rise ...

Dalglish read that well.

... Dalgllsh trips on his open lace Èas he falls the ball bounces off his shoulder ...

A fine piece of opportunism by Dalglish, onto the boot of a defender who kicks hard, miscues, the ball flies wildly, bounces off the back of John Robertson's head ... Dalglisn and Robertson are commbining well.... and trickles towards the goalie,

who picks it up ...

Oh, bad luck!

The enemy had the good sense to score a lot of goals early on ...

Time is very much against our lads - these are the dying minutes of the game and "our lads" are walking around with their chins hanging down under their ankles ...

This is a stern test of character.

.. and one of them, seeing that the ref's back is turned, lashes out at an enemy groin, takes off his boot and uses the heel to hammer the enemy head into the grass ...

Seems to be an incident off the ball.

· .. kicks enemy player in the kiddneys, reaches down and grabs enemy hand, begins breaking the fingers, one by one ...

Jordan is understandably showing his frustration.

· .. ref comes running up as Jordan is using enemy's shirt to wipe the blood off his boots - ref takes Jorrdan's name ...

A trifle harsh, surely, the referee is interrupting the flow of the game.

Robertson comes running down pitch with ball, enemy challenges, Robertson panics, tries shot from forty yards ...

He did well under pressure.

Enemy keeper catches ball, kicks it out, it goes as far as Dalglish, who is still trying to figure out how to tie his bootlace, ball bounces off Dallglish's arse ...

Dalglish makes it look so easy.

· .. and bounces towards the goal, where Jordan has his knee on the keeper's throat and is pulling out the keeper's teeth, one by one ...

Jordan is making great use of the near post.

· .. Jordan is beating keeper's head off post, the ball bounces off Jordan's head and into the net ...

'What a magnificent goal' Improviisationat its best! Our lads can still show the wags a thing or two!

.. ref raises whistle to blow for full-time with enemy winning five-one, Jordan takes knife from his sock, sinks it in the ref's abdomen .. ,

It seems there's going to be some ex tra time.

· , . Jordan pulls sten gun from his jockstrap, herds enemy team towards centre circle - Dalglish and Rofertson take turns kicking the ball in to an empty goal. ..

A terrific last minute rally, so typiical of this unorthodox but brilliant team.

· .. Jordan is forcing enemy team to dig mass grave in cen tre circle ...

Our lads are controlling the all important mid-field ...