They are out to get you, John

I am trying to learn how to avoid unnecessary situations that raise my blood pressure above comfortable levels. Not an easy thing to do when there is so much pulse-racing material hitting you from every angle – corrupt and possibly criminal gardaí, Portmarnock patriarchs who have shown that their bad taste in sportswear is only matched by their prehistoric and unpalatable attitudes to female golfers, and egos the size of Mars trajecting towards full-on collision in the Dáil.

Nevertheless, there are small steps I take to ensure a viable level of mental and physical health – like avoiding John Waters' rants. But, the other day, despite my best efforts, as Joe Duffy's Liveline played in the car, I was suddenly jerked from my feelings of bonhomie when the man himself in full apoplectic flight burst in on my reveries.

Waters phoned Joe in a blue fit over the gall of Gemma Hussey writing to the Irish Times to question his suitability to write a critique of the English literature curriculum in Irish secondary schools. Waters' article had appeared in the Irish Times, 7 June 2005, in the education section of the paper. John was in a right lather – he really needs to watch HIS blood pressure levels. Beside himself with self-righteous indignation he referred to the reading lists for English literature as an "exercise in propaganda" and a "slithery agenda" because there are 14 women writers out of a choice of 38 on the recommended reading for Junior and Leaving Certificate. The women writers, according to John, have been favoured over his preferred titans of literature, such as Dosteovsky and Dickens. It was a notable – if not particularly elevating moment – for Irish broadcasting because John Waters, in rabid attack dog mode, resorted to personally slagging off Gemma Hussey and "any other hussy" who had the temerity to disagree with him. Amidst his salvo of martyred male invective I deduced that the "agenda" he was referring to was a feminist one.

Now far be it from me to make John feel even more paranoid than he already does about the monstrous regiment of women, but…

Little does he know that in a number of isolated locations dotted across the island, inhabited by a select cult of females are special sites wherein unholy and heinous acts take place against men (and some women too). These sites are always situated close to a mythical Celtic heroine/goddess landmark and the way barred by fatal man-traps and a phalanx of specially-trained men-haters ready to protect their lairs and the secrets they hold. These are the strongholds of what John Waters refers to as feminazis – but known to those in the know as, the Lilith League. Women, barely-civilised but with dastardly intellects who have conceived and executed their mistress, plan to subdue the male of the species. Followers of the first woman created to be a companion to Adam, Lilith refused to lie beneath the lad, laughing uproariously when he explained what he intended to do to her while she was prostrate. Lily told him to shove it where the sun don't shine and took herself off around the world where according to ancient Hebrew myth she is the evil-spirit that gets into women and makes them rebel.

The Lilith Leaguers have for many centuries been perfecting their tactics and have a long history of rebellion and sabotage – popping up in paintings by Leonardo Da Vinci – the mysterious extra hand in the Last Supper was a Leaguer attempting to put some dodgy seafood onto the disciples' plates (Dan Brown was way off beam on that one) yer one who divorced the prophet Mohammed on their wedding night was in fact an early Leaguer who, acting under orders, was instructed to undermine his male virility by giving him the bum's rush when he least expected it. Pope Joan was another and the EU Parliament is afloat with Leaguers – because their name is Legion – or rather League if you get my drift.

Many of the early League members were courageous if a little foolhardy, but today's army of super feminists are much more sophisticated. Hidden in their hi-tech caves, nestled on remote hillsides camouflaged by IRA arms dumps, with access to some of the most advanced scientific and political innovations, League active service units have been sending out high-pitched frequency radio waves to brainwash the country's women and make slaves of susceptible men. Some of those targeted sit on panels such as the Schools Curriculum Planning Committee. Zombie-like, they obey their received instructions to gradually erode the great masters of English literature from the syllabus and replace them with feminist tracts questioning traditional gender roles and aimed at eroding the emerging masculinity of adolescent boys and young men.

This is just one of many devious tactics in the Lilith League's grand plan to push John Waters over the edge, flailing at the imaginary feminist hordes he sees everywhere around him. Having heard his latest outburst, it would appear that their mission has been accomplished.