Predictions for 1981

January :

It's very cold. The Pope denounces the Twentieth Century. Ronald Reagan fails senility test; Garret FitzGerald condemns Charlie Haughey's seed, breed and generation; Ben Dunne launches new Sunday newspaper; RTE Controller of Programmes bans Robert Kee's multi-million pound series on Ireland because of references to Cromwell, the penal laws, Catholic emancipation and the famine, which could be interpreted as inflammatory; 200,000 out of work; Johnny Logan changes his name to Jim Hand.

February:

It rains; Minister for Finance, Lorcan Allen introduces election budget with airports for Rathdowney, Feakle, Mullinavat, Tullylease, Kildimo, Kinnegad, Toomevara and Knocklong; Pat Quinn launches new Sunday newspaper; RTE Controller of Programmes Muiris MacConghail, bans all references to gunmen, including Brian Boru, Ronald Reagan, Michael Collins, Steve Coghlan, Sean MacStiophain and : Paddy Donegan; Garret FitzGerald calls Charlie Haughey a lousey, no-good, mean, vicious cad; 300,001 out of work (J. Kelleher); The Pope denounces the nineteenth century; Robert Kee fails senility test; Jim Hand changes his name to Michael Hand.

March:

It's very cold; Minister for Foreign Affairs, Sile de Valera breaks off relations with reality, no one knows why; RTE Controller of Programmes, Adrian Cronin, makes personal appearance during Eurovision Contest and announces hunger strike - no one knows why but he receives worldwide support; The Pope calls for a boycott of the next century; : Garret FitzGerald says Charlie Haughey is a lying, treacherous, venial, corrupt, base, crooked, shameful creep; Frank Fahey launches new Sunday newspaper; 400,003 out of , work (H. McLaughlin, J. Mulcahy and A. J. F. O'Reilly); Liam Nolan fails senility test; Michael Hand changes his name to Douglas Gageby.

April:

It rains; The Irish Times discovers Catholics, Protestants and Dissenters; Minister for Foreign Affairs, Sile de Valera goes on tour of Africa; Charles Haughey breaks off diplomatic relations with Africa - everyone knows why; Garret FitzGerald denounces Charlie Haughey's mother, grandmother, great-grandmother, great great-grandmother; 500,000 lout of work (Denis Carboy); Noel Purcell launches new Sunday newspaper; Maurice O'Doherty fails senility test; Douglas Gageby changes his name to Wolfe Tone, then changes his mind and changes his name to Oliver Napier; then to Mae West; then back to Douglas Gageby.

May:

It's very cold; the Pope denounces Frenchies and Russians, Krauts, Yanks; Brits, Paddys, niggers, slantey eyed nips and black Protestant bastards; Minister for Foreign Affairs, George Colley, forgoes all foreign travel; Sinn Fein, the workers' Party, fails senility test; Garret FitzGerald says Charlie Haughey is horrid; 600,002 out of work (Michael Smurfit and Sean Kinsella); RTE Controller of Programmes, Owen Harris, formally announces RTE has become a registered cumann of SFWP - Industrial Section; Douglas Gageby changes his name to Robert Redford, the Yorkshire Ripper, Katherine Graham, Sile de Valera and back to Douglas Gageby.

June:

It rains. The Pope goes on hunger strike demanding the right to wear civilian clothes; Charlie Haughey calls a general election; Garret FitzGerald says he will destroy the political pygmy who has "defiled the name of Ireland" and Fine Gael will win 124 seats; Garret FitzGerald's prediction almost comes true, Fine Gael wins 24 seats; Charlie Haughey announces new Government for National Reconstruction, including Daithi 0 Conaill, Minister for Foreign Affairs, Eddie Gallagher, Minister for Justice, Dutch Doherty, Minister for Industry and Commerce, and Sean MacStiophain, Minister for Offence; Dail reconvenes with the singing of The Boys of The Old Brigade and all Fianna Fail TDs required to wear black berets and dark glasses; 600,001 out of work (George Colley); Desmond O'Malley fails senility test; RTE Controller of Programmes, Rose Dugdale, announces new series on art appreciation; Pascal Mooney launches new Sunday newspaper; Douglas Gageby tries to change his name, bald, obese, uncouth man intrudes, Gageby changes name to John Healy.

July:

It's very cold; Douglas Gageby fails senility test; General Eoin Patrick O'Cooney Duffy, leader of Fine Gael calls for more hunger strikes; civilian attired Pope bites dust in Guinea Bisseau, Nepal, Crossmaglen, Soho, Dallas, Leestown, Jersey, Saturn - likes Soho dust best; RTE Controller of Programmes, Garret FitzGerald, launches new series on the perfidies of C. Haughey; 700,014 out of work (F. Cluskey, M. O'Leary, B. Desmond, R. Quinn, J. Horgan, B. Corish, J. Tully, E. Desmond, J. Bermingham, M. Lipper, S. Pattison, L. Kavanagh, J. O'Connell and S. Treacy); Fr. Egan launches Sunday newspaper; John Healy changes his name to Charles Haughey.

August:

It rains: General O'Cooney conscripts for private army to fight for Ayatollah in war against the permissive society, English Sunday newspapers, and modern medicine; 800,00 I out of work (Go FitzGerald); RTE Controller of Programmes, Joe Linnane, bans all broadcasters under the age of 79, which leaves just himself, Bunny Carr, Jimmy Magee, Paddy Gallagher, Liam Devally, Maurice O'Doherty, Ulick O'Connor, and Emer O'Kelly; the Pope decides to sell the Vatican, Pat Quinn makes first offer; Joe Leneghan launches new Sunday newspaper; Charles Haughey changes name to Peter Berry.

September:

It's very cold; Minister for Foreign Affairs Daithi 0 Conaill returns from three month sojourn in Amsterdam and calls series of press conferences to deny liaison with disgraced Sile de Valera, insists he was studying "structures of local government"; RTE Controller of Programmes, Leo Maguire, bans all broadcasters under the age of 90, leaving himself, P. P. O'Reilly, Tom Savage, Douglas Gageby and Michael Dillon; 900,004 out of work (SWFP); Dinjo launches Sunday newspaper; Peter Berry changes name but new name a secret.

October:

It rains; the Pope denounces celibacy, the Billings method, confession and the first Fridays, he then revisits Soho to study "the structures of local government"; General O'Cooney announces an assault on the Vatican which has been sold to Dublin Corporation where they propose erecting new office blocks; the Minister for Foreign Affairs, Daithi O Conaill explains his flaming red hair: "I dyed for Ireland"; Charles Haughey completes plaque erection campaign - there is no wall in the country which doesn't bear the inscription: "I was here - CJ"; Albert Reynolds gets one of the new buses to start, but shortly afterwards, it fails the senility test; RTE Controller of Programmes, Gemma Hussey, previously the author of the most authoritative survey ever conducted into Irish television, announced that the nine o'clock news would be shown at ten o'clock and that Today Tonight would henceforth be entitled, We Can't Tell Darkness From Light Out Here So Why Expect Us To Know About Anything Else; 1,009,786 out of work (nuns, brothers, bishops, priests and the Legion of Mary); the secret singer changes his name to Assistant Commissioner, John Fleming.

November:

It's very cold; General 0 'Cooney discovers the nuclear bomb; Charles Haughey resigns; the Pope denounces permissiveness, the Twentieth century, the Nineteenth century, Fianna Fail and dissident tendencies in Fine Gael still loyal to the former Fuhrer, Garret; 3,000,000 out of work, the only people now with jobs are on Sunday newspapers, of which there are now 187; RTE Controller of Programmes, the Supreme Knight of Columbanus, announces that those members of the RTE staff not members of SFWP, are members of his organization and that the following people are members of both organizations - Owen Harris, John Cadden, Joe Mulholland, Rodney Rice, Cathal Goulding, Tomas MacGiolla, Sean Garland, Eamon Smullen, Des O'Hagan and Morgan O'Sullivan; Assistant Commissioner, John Fleming, changes his name to Edmund Garvey.

December:

A lot of cloud and fog; General O'Cooney has been experimenting with his new toy .................................