Podge & Rodge scare the adults

Their twice-weekly chat show on RTÉ Two has overtaken Questions and Answers in the ratings. Podge and Rodge talk to John Byrne about Twink's legs, why they hate Ryan Tubridy and how they're going to run for the Progressive Democrats in the next general election

Who's coming up on the show?

Rodge: Biddy from Glenroe. She's like royalty. Glenroe was like a religion to us. And you know the great thing about her was that she married that really ugly fella. It gave us all hope. You know what I mean, but Jaysus the amount of television we've been through, I tell you. Every time Miley went near her, Podge put the boot through the TV. He just couldn't handle it, the jealousy. Biddy on the show – can you imagine the ratings for that?

Podge: Forget the Late Late Show.

How do you rate Pat Kenny?

Podge: Ah God.

Rodge: A dear God, I don't know.

Podge: Well the only saving grace about Pat Kenny is that he's better than Tubridy. He's not as quite as annoying, he's kind of harmless is Pat Kenny. He's a bit of a thick, you know.

Rodge: But Tubridy now, he's just annoying.

Podge: He's got that "I listen to jazz on a Sunday morning whilst reading the papers" kind of attitude. He's despised and ... you know, we're old right and we don't even like jazz... What the hell is goin' on there? Grow your hair and listen to somethin' young people listen to.

What about his radio show?

Rodge: Oh God no. We hate him. He's a young fogey, is that what they call them? Ah no, we wouldn't be dealin' with him, he's just annoying on every level. We like Gerry Ryan because Gerry Ryan is not afraid to curse early in the morning.

Podge: And he talks about fannies and arses, you know. There's nothing wrong with that. He's a true sort of... I think he's the emperor of the morning. He's a true innovator now and... he'll be coming on the show soon.

Rodge: Oh, the 10th. He's coming on the 10th of April, I believe.

Do people ring up the show trying to get on?

Podge: No. Well you see, maybe they will now with the ratings thing now.

Have people refused to come on the show?

Podge: Oh, there has been a couple now. We had your man now, Gerry Kelly, you know that Nordy fella? Him. And, oh Eamon, what's his name?

Podge: Oh, George Hook. He didn't want to come on because there was cursing. Could you believe that? It's an Irish right to curse.

Rodge: Dunphy was supposed to come on and he hasn't come on either. You see some of these people who do talking for a living, they're worried. I don't know, I think we might be showing them up a bit.

Podge: There's nerves being struck there now that maybe it goes to the heart of it, I don't know.

What would you say to people who say you just swear and you're rude and it's all very crude?

Podge: You see, I would agree with them and it's a scandal that we're still on air. We've written to the Complaints Board but nothing seems to be done and you know there was an EU directive that Podge and Rodge should only be on television for 10 minutes a week. We're on for two hours with the repeats and all. We are in breach of that.

And were you surprised when they gave you the show?

Rodge: Absolute madness, they must be desperate.

Podge: We were surprised in one way, but obviously we weren't in another because they've nothing better to be puttin' on. You think about it, what else have they got? Not a damn thing.

Have you had any politicians on?

Rodge: Not really... We're holding out for Michael McDowell. Oh, I think, now you see we're considering runnin' for election ourselves next time.

What, run for the Progressive Democrats?

Rodge: Oh God, we will yeh. It'll be a ferocious campaign. Ferocious. Oh yes. Stringfellows in every town. We'll close all the Supermarkets and we're going to put Stringfellows in instead.

Have you been down to Stringfellows?

Podge: Oh God yeh.

Rodge: Of course we have.

Podge: But now, listen this is a problem now. You know the "no touching" policy.

Rodge: Does that apply to your mickey?

Podge: I don't know now. Maybe now. Probably not.

Rodge: Have you been down yourself?

What?

Rodge: Have you not been down yourself?

I haven't got down yet.

Podge: Oh Jesus, you'd want to be reporting on things better now, what the hell do you be reporting on if you're not reporting on Stringfellows? It's great that that's there now, because the only bit of contact we had with females was shaking their hands at mass. It's great now that Stringfellows is there, you can have a lovely lady dance for you.

Some people might suspect two elderly bachelors such as yourselves of being closet homosexuals

Rodge: Ah now, people try and throw that at us, but you see we're just brothers, that's the way it is.

Podge: Oh we are. We're confirmed bachelors. We're like Marty Morrissey

You're pretty old never to have had a girlfriend.

Podge: Well that's right, but you see, we pay for it.

Rodge: That's the difference. We're like the farmers. There's lots of them out there, bachelors out there, it doesn't mean we're gay. There's no Brokeback Mountain down here.

Who would be your ideal woman then?

Rodge: Oh God now, you see, it would have to be a combination. Maybe that's why we haven't got a wife yet. We've got very high standards.

Podge: We'd have Twink's legs.

Rodge: Twink's legs. Oh Jesus.

Podge: Twink's legs. Oh God now. She's fine legs. We'd have, Jesus, we'd have, whose torso now would be have. It'd have to be Linda Martin.

Rodge: Oh Jesus.

Podge: And then you just stick a Corr, it doesn't matter which one, you could put three Corrs heads on that combination. By God, it would be like Disneyland. And Amanda Brunker's tits. Can you do a Photoshop shot of that and can you send it down to us?

[After further discussion the the subject of conversation then moves to Mary Harney]

Rodge: There's something terrifying about her. Something just, something terrifying, yes, and a little bit arousing about her. You know you're going into a danger zone. You might go there but you might never come back.

Podge: Probably the scariest woman in Ireland at the moment.

And do any guests ever say, "Listen lads, I don't want that goin out"?

Podge: No, no. No one has said anything.

Rodge: And no one ever sees the script beforehand or even meets us beforehand or any of that.

Podge: We got Martin King to do the weather forecast in the studio and we covered him in custard and eggs. He was well on for it, in fairness. He didn't know that was happening until he got there. He's a great fella. He actually wrote a letter to us and said thanks very much for covering me in shite and all that. And we got a load of pig's mickeys. There was a sudden downpour.

What?

Podge: Pig's mickeys.

Rodge: Oh God. Well they're corkscrew kind of things. And we threw a load of pig's mickeys on top of him. He didn't even complain. Ah no, people are up for it. If you're going to come on Podge and Rodge, you know what you're getting. No surprises there really, in fairness.

Anybody from the world of sport coming on the show?

Podge: Oh now, who's the fella with the hair?

Brian O'Driscoll?

Rodge: We have to have him on now and have a few words. Sort him out.

Podge: I'd say he's got a man bag during the week. He has. Moisturises with his product. But there's a dilemma there between the two things, rugby and that, you know. Dying his hair, it's wrong.

Why?

Podge: It's just a bit, we're not into that kind of metrosexual business, we're not into that at all.

Are you happy now the show is so popular?

Rodge: Ah no. It's shite.

Podge: What kind of feckin' question is that?

I'm very sorry.

Rodge: Come on. We're delighted people are tuning in, but you know, they make a big deal about it doing better than Questions and Answers but I mean is that really such a good thing? Questions and Answers for God's sake.

Podge: We'd have anyone on our show. We want them all. We're going to knock them down a peg or two. p