Of holes and Hibernia

A re-imagining of Enda Kenny's State of the Nation address, by Brian Stafford.

Ladies, gentlemen, Mary and Michael middle Ireland, let me start by assuring you that Paddy still likes to know what the story is. So in the spirit of keeping Paddy informed I have decided to level with you out there in what I like to call the ‘vice gripped median’ (Note to self - get party to repeat this ad nauseam). This government is ready to take the tough decisions necessary to grow the economy.

I ask Eve and Eric equidistant Éire to consider the hole. Indeed, consider the hole. For the hole is truly a magical thing like our very own Leprechauns and fairies (Note to self - throw in an off-the-cuff remark about how the Leprechaun museum is a great example of the Irish entrepreneurial spirit). Yes the hole. We all know the riddle about taking away from a hole and it getting bigger. Well the economic council has been pondering this deeply and has come to some sound economic conclusions. So I present a new Five Point Plan because Fine Gael and the Irish People are not afraid of change.

  1. The economy is in a hole.
  2. Not only that but the economy is a HOLE.
  3. QED the more we take away from the hole the larger it will get.
  4. Hence guaranteed growth of our hole.
  5. If we continue to grow our hole we can flee our German captors like those brave men in The Great Escape. (Note to self - ask big Phil should we play the theme tune in the background. Also get Mrs Enny to Sky Plus the film over the Christmas.)

Oh I can hear Harry and Helena halfway Hibernia, asking out there in flat screen TVland: ‘But Mr Taoiseach, what about the people that get too tired from digging because they have brutal shovels or weak arms?’ Well to Harry and Helena I say these people unfortunately are part of the price of hole. We would love to help them and usually we would but we have a hole to dig and we can't be held back by slow coaches and negative non hole helpers.

I'd like to make the point to 26 counties Carol and Colm that the need for us to have a huge gaping hole has never been more apparent. Why only the other day I was talking to a hard-at-work plasterer/blacksmith/milliner about our hole and how we can best help expand it. Joey the plasterer/blacksmith/milliner turned and said to me ‘Kenda, consider me a digger.’ (Note to self - do not blow it here and pull a Skarren Dully).

As my good friend President Obama (Note to self - NB. Really don't pull a Skarren Dully here. They're just looking for an excuse to invade a country) once said to all of us in the vice gripped median, ‘Is féider linn’ and, by God, myself and the Minister for Eradicating the Working Class and Unfavourable Types took that on board and went one better. Har me loud Éire, when they ask can we really do this simply respond: ‘Is Féidir Linn. Scrios na daoine bochta.’ Good night, and god bless.