The Amazing Flying Dick Spring

Gene Kerrigan observes the democratic process at work

The Honourable Michael 0 'Halloran Lord Mayor of the City of Dublin, was humming "Come Fly With Me".

It probably seemed like a good idea at the time. The sun had been blazing for the past few days.

So, this morning Labour had a gimmmick. This morning Labour was going to be Fine Gael for an hour or two. Like they hadn't noticed that ostenntatious gimmicks are out of fashion this year. This year politicians wear grave expressions as tokens of the Seriousness Of The Situation out of which only they can get us. This year politicians strive for gravitas. Like Russell Murphy had.

While everyone else kind of snuck onto stage for the local elections Labour decided to come in flying, trailing a banner which in 7-foot high letters .said "Labour Is Working For You".

The scene was Iona Airways, a small airfield sited around the back of Dublin Airport. The cameras and reeporters were there, Dick Spring was there, Lord Mayor O'Halloran was there and Bernie Malone, chairperson of Dublin County Council. And there were two National Handlers (Junior Division).

Later that morning Colm 0 Briain NH (JD) would talk of the 1 960s, and how everyone took this kind of thing seriously, did it properly, it always worked. Colm 0 Briain wears flared trousers.

The other handler, Fergus Finlay, opts for the Quiet Man image. Collar of his overcoat turned up, hands in his pockets, eyes flicking here and there like a pilot preparing for take-off. .

And that's when everything went wrong. Every possible thing. The weather changed abruptly. Everything was grey and drizzly. Clouds were down to fifty feet. Permission to fly the banner over Dublin was refused by the airport authorities.

Not to worry, said Colm O Briain.

Even now the party was negotiating with the authorities to get permission to fly the banner around the airport, just for the cameras. Another mistake.

In the meantime, let's go outside and take a few pictures of the banner. "Ideas, lads?" said someone, "Ya wannit held up?" The banner was unnfurled so we could see the word "Labour" and the handlers, 0 Briain and Finlay, each held up one end. Dick got a fit of the giggles and made a little run, like maybe he was about to flap his arms and take off.

Dick and Bernie and Michael O'Hallloran stood behind the banner, peering out, while the cameras clicked. "Berrnie, into the 0, into the 0 for a sec," said the Man From The Indo. And Dick, Bernie and Michael clustered towards the centre two letters in the word Labour. The centre two letters in tile word Labour are DO. And thus they appeared in the national press, like some promotion for something you squirt under your arm. Everything went wrong.

Back inside, let's have a press connference. Dick and Bernie and Michael sat at two tables pushed together. Except they weren't tables, they were the bases from two Singer sewing machines. All three had their little speeches, then it was open. to quesstions. Except no one had any quesstions.

This always happens at these press conferences. There is a silence for a while and then the questions flow. But this silence dragged. No one had any questions.

Dick had a strange bit in his speech.

It went, "There are, perhaps, many promises we have kept that people cannot be expected to know about, because in many cases they concern issues about which we cannot talk too loudly." What could this possibly mean? Why must Labour whisper: about certain things? So, Magill asked Dick to explain this shyness, what light was Labour hiding under its bush? Dick said something about Cabinet confidentiality and didn't answer the question. Next question? There was none.

Never mind, let's all go outside again, we've got permission to fly the banner around the airport for the cameras.

A light Cessna plane was wheeled out. The banner was laid out along a track maybe fifty feet long. Two metal bars were set upright and a rope strung between them. The rope was attached to the banner. This kind of thing is a snap for Iona, they do it all the time, no problem. The plane flies over, drops a hook, the hook catches the rope and the banner is pulled aloft.

Today they had problems. The whole thing had to be done closer to the hangers because Dick and his candidates had to be in the picture and Dick and the rest could not venture too far out onto the tarmac. So the plane had to throttle back and dip the hook in a very short space.

Dick and company were filmed and photographed looking up at the plane. Except the plane hadn't taken off yet . . Dick pointed at the imaginary plane in the sky. "I hope," he said, "we're all looking in the same direction."

Twice the plane flew over, cut back airspeed, dipped, the hook swung toowards the rope and missed. Everyone laughed. Ha ha. Maybe about this time some were wishing they hadn't tried for something so complicated. But that's Labour, always reaching for the stars.

Then, the third time, the hook caught the rope, there was an almighty commotion as the metal uprights went flying, the banner rose a few feet and schwock! something snapped and the banner came down. Dick looked at "Labour Is Working For You" flutttering to earth, and said, "Put on a brave smile, everyone, and walk away."

Everyone went inside for coffee.

Ten minutes later everyone came outtside again for another try. This time, to hell with the cameras, the thing was set up with enough room for the pilot to do his jo b properly. The plane came over, the hook dropped, the banner caught, it was up! Applause. True, it was twisting a bit, but the plane flew in a wide circle and straighhtened it out. Those who had been pouring scorn were asked to retract. The plane came around and headed back towards the airfield.

Someone said it was a pity the weather prevented the thing being flown across the city. Fergus Finlay said, "As long as the television camera sees it, that's all that matters." Colm o Briain said, "Thank God for teleephoto lenses."

And the plane was almost here, another thirty seconds. But it was too high and far away to hear the snap. All you could see was the banner, "Labour Is Working For You", as it parted from the plane and, fluttered to the ground, twisting slowly, slowly in the wind.

The Lord Mayor wasn't humming anymore. Dick got into his Mercedes and went back to running the country. It's not easy being Fine Gael, even for a morning. Connolly and Larkin too, like Dick, sometimes had trouble keeping their banners aloft. This mornning Labour had trouble getting it up, then it came off too soon. But that's show biz.