The tale of Cowenosaurus Rex and the X Factor Five

Scientists in Germany have discovered evidence - in the form of a bone in a cave in Siberia - of a previously unknown human species that existed 30,000 years ago.

Aside from the presence of homo sapiens, it was known for a long time that there existed then another hominid, homo neanderthalis, which was around until about 25,000 years ago and which has received a bad press.

The newly-discovered species can be traced back to homo erectus, who left Africa almost two million years ago.

The initial suspicion that the new species were thought to be Irish government ministers have now been discounted.

The basis for the rumour apparently was that nobody can remember when five of the present government first took office, and their relation to homo sapiens has long been in question. The five are Brian Cowen, Mary Harney, Dermot Ahern, Micheál Martin and Noel Dempsey.

The bone found in the Siberian cave was that of a woman, now known among palaeontologists as ‘‘X-woman’’, initially thought to be a reference to Mary Harney, so it is not too fanciful to characterise the surviving ministers as the X-factor.

As a species, they have caused shocking devastation. They inflated the Irish economy - already booming when they came into office. They bloated the property sector, ravaged the tax base, brought the lightest of touches to regulation, ignored emerging crises in the banks and then, in panic, plunged the country into hock for evermore with the bank bailout.

Along the way, they made those people who were already on low wages or social welfare even more miserable.

There were moderate hopes for the extinction of that species in the recent cabinet reshuffle, but instead the opportunity has been used to cause further havoc.

Into the cabinet have come two previously unknown members of the X-factor species, Tony Killeen and Pat Carey.

The original X-woman has been retained as Minister for Health, which threatens the survival of homo sapiens. An acolyte from Donegal, another female of that species, has taken over the sensitive position of Minister for Education, which will enable the befuddlement of the nation.

The same lady is a noted Darwinian, or is it a noted Einsteinian? A third X-woman, who tried to extinguish the weaker homo sapiens through social welfare cuts, has now been moved to Culture, with unfathomable consequences. Apparently she doesn’t like Culture, which is all the more menacing.

I asked during the week what the original X-woman did for a living as Minister for Health, since she seemed to have delegated all her functions, aside from policy making, elsewhere - to the HSE, HIQA and ministers of state.

I was told she negotiates the annual estimate for the health vote with the Minister for Finance (son of the original of the species); formulates policy; puts legislation related to health through the Oireachtas; plus the health estimates for all areas covered by her Department, including capital funding; and she carries political responsibility for health.

She is also engaged in negotiations on contracts - for instance with the hospital consultants and GPs. Plus, she has responsibility for international relations on health policy at EU and WHO levels.

When you boil all that down, it seems like policy to me.

I enquired anxiously what she was doing on a recent trip to New Zealand. The indigenous people of that country, the Maori, had suffered all too grievously from previous visitations and I wanted to know what ‘‘X-woman’’ was doing there. Lots of visits (nine) to hospitals and health experts, lots of big dinners and receptions - the X-Factor Five are noted epicureans. Not a lot to do with business stuff, aside from drinks here and there and a visit to chamber of commerce types.

No estimate of the cost of the visit, but it is likely to be pretty hefty, for the X-factor Five don’t do cheap. It now emerges that survivors of homo neanderthalis, John McGuinness and Mattie McGrath, have launched an assault on the current leader of the X-factor Five, Brian Cowen who, incidentally, seems to be of a different species altogether, although there is disagreement on that among the palaeontology community.

One of the issues that has given rise to this assault has to do with the purchase of what was believed to be a huge cave in the Dublin Docklands, for tons of lucre. It now transpires the alleged huge cave was merely a bolthole for another endangered species, Banker Erectus. Not to be confused with - oh, it doesn’t matter.

The homo neanderthalis faction in the ruling party is formidable. In fact, the founding leader of that party was a homo neanderthalis, and several of his successors - notably Albert Reynolds and Bertie Ahern - are believed to have been a primitive version of that species. Only one, Charles Haughey, is thought to have been a homo sapien - certainly he thought so. Haughey, incidentally, was another noted epicurean.

All very fascinating. And, by the way, the priesthood of these X-factor people seems to be of even an earlier specimen. Certainly no connection with the sapiens types.