From ruin to ruination

The tale of modern Ireland as told to Elizabeth II would no doubt be greeted by gales of laughter, writes Vincent Browne

Nine months before she died in January 1901, Queen Victoria visited Ireland for the last time.The visit was prompted by the concern of the British government about the unpopularity in Ireland of the Boer War, and the visit was intended to generate national (British) enthusiasm for the Union. It did so. Victoria was greeted everywhere by cheering crowds.

On that visit, she went out to my old school, Castleknock College (I was not yet a student there), many of whose past men had fought and died in the Boer War. One of the past men was Charles Lynch, who reported on the war for the London Morning Herald and Illustrated London News.

Victoria’s visit to Castleknock took place on the afternoon of Sunday, April 22,1901. She was dressed in black with sprays of silver shamrock and was accompanied by her daughter, Beatrice, wife of Prince Henry of Battenberg, and by her granddaughter, Princess Victoria Eugenie, later to become queen of Spain.

According to the official history of the college, Nos Autem, edited by James Murphy, the royal party was conveyed in a carriage, drawn by ‘‘a magnificent team of grey horses, with postillions in dark and blue livery’’.It was preceded by a detachment of cavalry ‘‘their bright breastplates reflecting the full blaze of sunshine, that played upon the scene’’.

According to the Freeman’s Journal, Victoria was greeted ‘‘by loud cheers’’ to which she ‘‘bowed her acknowledgement’’. The college annual recorded that the queen had engaged with the president of the college, Fr Joseph Geoghegan, in ‘‘affable intercourse’’. It was not recorded whether Beatrice and Victoria Eugenie were present when this occurred, but my understanding is that the affable intercourse took place in the carriage, as Victoria was too infirm to alight.

I am unaware whether similar entertainments are being arranged for Victoria’s great great granddaughter (Victoria’s son was Edward VII, grandson was George V, great grandson was George VI and great-great-granddaughter, Elizabeth II). But Elizabeth might enjoy an account of what the descendants of those who cheered Victoria did with their independence, which occurred 22 years after Victoria’s visit. To add gaiety to the narrative, she might engage in affable intercourse with two of the heroes of our independence history, Bertie Ahern and Brian Cowen.

Were they to tell truthfully and simply their own part in the building of modern Ireland, the laughter of Elizabeth - or at least of her consort - would be uncontainable. Just the history of our state since 1997, when Fianna Fáil came roaring back to office, would be sufficient. How it contrived to ruin a society and an economy which had been running splendidly. Even if the narrative were confined to what the present government is doing, that would be entertaining too.

How promises were made, during an election campaign just three months ago, to put manners on the ECB and dig us out in quick time from the debt debacle the previous government had created. And how in a few days they returned from Brussels (or was it Frankfurt?) saying the debate was over with no manners put on the ECB. Now we are heading from ruin to ruination. It may take two years, but ruination is on the way. Morgan Kelly could be brought along to tell the royal party that, accompanied by Joe Durkan of the ESRI, who will tell the same tale, more or less, but with fewer histrionics. Durkan is not good on the histrionics.

Along the way, a few frolics which, admittedly, may be too convoluted for affable intercourse. I’m thinking of Enda Kenny’s new fiasco: an Oireachtas investigation, oversight and petitions committee. The committee would supposedly be bolstered by a constitutional referendum to permit it to investigate the devil and all. But it’s fated to be ground down by serried ranks of well fed barristers, interminable trips to the Four Courts, and nothing at all to show for it at the end of it all, aside from oceans of tears.

Then there is the new white collar crime legislation, which will do nothing at all to deal with white-collar crime, for the institutions investigating such crimes haven’t the resources or skills to do the job, and the government is determined not to provide them with those resources and skills.

I’d love a bit of affable intercourse myself with Her Majesty. About Winston Churchill, Harold Macmillan, Harold Wilson, Margaret Thatcher and the Blair fellow.I’ll bet that Macmillan was the most entertaining and Blair the least. And those heads of the Commonwealth states - great to get her fella talking about them. Maybe she’d chat about her annoying daughters-in-law, or what she talks to Mary McAleese about (or, more likely, what Mary McAleese talks to her about). Would she swap Jedward for some members of her family?And what about her dad? Was he really so tormented over his stammer - how could a royal prince be so belittled by a nanny?

And of course about her fella, the Duke of Edinburgh. The truth, like. All of it, like. Great, like.